It's Lost

I have lost my free spirit. I can't find it anywhere.

People have always said that I have this way about me where I have no fear. I have not a care in the world. I am filled with natural love. Very hard things to have; harder for me to realize I have. 

I CAN however tell the difference in myself when I am me and when I am not. Right now I am not. I haven't been "me" in a while. There are so many people I'm trying to be, because it works for them... so why not work for me? Right? Wrong. All this trying to be someone else has gotten me lost in the world. A world of tears and frustration and drinking.
 
That's right... drinking. I have recently realized I replaced my natural free spirit with spirits. It is very easy to be free when drinking. It is also very easy to fall on your face. Literally. I have never fallen on my face when my spirit was naturally free... I have fallen on it many times with spirits. I have the bumps and bruises to prove it. 

Who am I? Not a blogger... but apparently I am. Not a writer... but apparently I am. Even now, I am thinking this is stupid for me to do. 

But the other day was the Chicago Marathon. I walked down Michigan Avenue with my bruised face and my limp walk and saw so many people with their sweaty faces and medals and awesome running outfits. I thought to myself... I'll go ahead and run the marathon next year.

Just like that. And I'm going to do it. That's the Maryann I know. The one who went on tour with a Children's theatre for two years. The one who moved to Chicago with no job, friends, money. The one who makes friends with English Bartenders in an evening. 

The Marathon is going to help me find my free spirit. So I can be happy again. So I can stop crying and worrying and doubting myself. 

My goal is to do something to free my spirit daily. No matter how small. I'm going on a journey.

And I'm going to blog about it. 

So there.